


The Adventures of The Anal Retentive Dwarf and The Mad Scientist

by 100demons



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: First Meetings, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 06:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1377184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Walls existed in his mind as the inexplicable thing that Kept Humans Safe, as much a part of Levi’s world as neatly starched handkerchiefs and two spare pairs of pressed gloves; they allowed him to do his business and Levi accepted it with an unquestioning faith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures of The Anal Retentive Dwarf and The Mad Scientist

The Walls existed in his mind as the inexplicable thing that Kept Humans Safe, as much a part of Levi’s world as neatly starched handkerchiefs and two spare pairs of pressed gloves; they allowed him to do his business and Levi accepted it with an unquestioning faith. When Wall Maria fell to pieces and a quarter of humanity’s population was eaten by monsters, Levi resolved to carry around more spare handkerchiefs. He tucked them into his boots, his jacket sleeves and the pockets of his breeches, with a dagger to match. He was prepared for every eventuality, including death by digestion. He’d heard that Titan’s stomachs were messy affairs and a single piece of cloth seemed insufficient to clean up all that blood. 

And so when a tall, lanky boy stumbled into him during one evening walk, howling and clutching a bloody nose, Levi was ready. He had a handkerchief shoved up the boy’s nose, a dagger against his throat and had backed the boy up against the side of the alley within moments of impact.

“I liked this shirt,” Levi said.

“Fuck me,” the boy said wetly, glasses splattered with blood on one side and tears on the other. 

“I will count to three,” Levi said. “Then you will give me three silver crowns and then make sure I never see your face again.”

Even faced with imminent death, the boy squawked with indignity. “Three silver crowns can buy you a damned shirt six times over!”

“One.” Levi pressed a little deeper and watched a line of crimson red well up on the edge of his blade. “Two.” This close, he could see the faint pulse throbbing in his throat, smooth and unmarked, delicate blue veins spidering across pale skin. Levi frowned. 

“Three?” the boy filled in a little tentatively.

“Are you a girl?” Levi asked.

The maybe-not-a-boy’s mouth stretched upwards in a movement that looked more grimace than smile, showing off enough teeth that it made Levi want to put a knife between his ribs. He didn’t look like a harmless boy anymore. “Wrong,” he said and then punched Levi. 

\---

“So, you built a nutcracker powered catapult only to have it explode in your face, met your acquaintance here, ended up held up at knifepoint and then punched him.”

“Didn’t exactly explode, more like launched its projectile in the wrong direction,” Zoe said, leaning forward in their chair, handcuffs scraping against the edge of the chair. “Missed a zero in my calculations, sir.” Zoe beamed. 

Irvin nodded understandingly. “And this lead you to your encounter with Mr...”

Levi swung his head to the front, transferring his baleful glare from Zoe to the Commander of the Scouting Legion. If anything, it seemed to grow stronger at the sight of Irvin’s bright blue eyes and neatly parted hair.

“Asshole,” Zoe supplied helpfully. “Or anal retentive dwarf.”

“The warrant officer has you down as Levi of Gunter Street on the intake papers,” Irvin said, raising an immaculate eyebrow. “Mr. Levi, can you explain why exactly you threatened my soldier?”

“Bled all over my shirt,” Levi said flatly. 

“He asked for three silver crowns.” Zoe straightened up in their chair, bloody strands of hair drying into a sticky mess on their forehead. “Three!”

“ _Bled all over me_ ,” Levi repeated.

“If he’d asked for one, I wouldn’t have minded so much, sir,” Zoe said earnestly. “But three’s just highway robbery and I used all of my money to buy ink and paper for the month. And fifty nutcrackers.”

Levi’s lip curled. “Fifty?”

“Can’t just build one catapult,” Zoe said. “How are you supposed to conduct experiments with just one?”

Levi’s handcuffs fell onto the ground with a clatter, the metal links torn like wet tissue paper. A dagger quivered in the wall, pinning a few strands of Zoe’s hair. 

“Next time,” Levi said. “I won’t miss.” 

Zoe’s brow puckered and their dark eyes gleamed. “Can you do that again? Have you ever tried breaking through an alumisteel alloy? What kind of dagger did you use? I don’t recognize it, is it your own design?”

“Levi, I would very much appreciate it if you stopped trying to kill my officer. And Zoe, please stop antagonizing him.” Irvin pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let’s try to settle this like civilized people.”

“That’s alright sir,” Zoe said, eyes going cross-eyed from trying to look at the knife just above their head. “This is almost as fun as working with my test subjects.” 

There was a dull thunk as another dagger bit into the wall, this time just grazing Irvin’s ear. A single drop of blood trickled down an earlobe and dripped onto an otherwise spotless dress shirt.

“Let me out,” Levi said, eyes narrowing. “And I’ll forget this incident ever happened.”

Zoe growled deep in their throat. “You’ll regret doing that, fuckface,” they said. “You don’t mess with the Commander. Ever.”

“Restrain yourselves,” Irvin said sharply. “Both of you.”

Levi was back in his seat before he knew it, knees bending automatically in the face of Irvin’s stony glare. Zoe straightened in their seat, mouth clamped shut.

“Officer Hanji, you will be billed a sum of one silver crown to cover the damages of a silk shirt.” Zoe’s shoulders slumped. “Levi of Gunter Street, you are hereby sentenced to one week of conscripted service, mucking out the Scouting Legion stables.”

If looks could kill, Irvin would have been shot, hanged, drawn and quartered judging by Levi’s furious eyes. “You will regret this, Legion _scum_ ,” Levi said, voice icy cold. 

Irvin leaned back in his chair and sighed, as Zoe leapt up to their feet and started rolling their sleeves off to display a magnificent rendering of a titan’s gaping maw, dismembered limbs dripping from elbow crease to wrist. 

“I think I already am,” Irvin said as Zoe pulled out a magnifying glass from a belt pocket and began examining Levi for ‘unusual deformities in brain size obviously affecting higher motor and cerebral functions’ and Levi produced sharp objects from very unusual places, waving them temptingly close to Zoe’s carotid arteries.


End file.
